Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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