the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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