Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
