you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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