I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
