i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
