Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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