i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
