I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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