I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
