like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
My life is pants optional.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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