There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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