Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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