I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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