Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
