I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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