U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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