All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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