I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
