just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
