Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
