Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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