Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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