walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
