Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
