the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
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