I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
