Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
