Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I stole a fireplace last night.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
