my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
