If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
