I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize