Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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