i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
