Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
