Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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