just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
