hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
