I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
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