I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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