Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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