So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Randomize
