My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
