People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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