A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
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