I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
