You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
