best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
