Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize