just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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