I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
