Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
