I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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