How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
my phone needs a breathalizer
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
