My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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