and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize