dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize