I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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