the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
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