My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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