maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
