Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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